Welcome me here! We'll,umm... this is the very first time that i made an online journal. I have known about this blog thing since i was still a bum after graduation but i never had the initiative to make one, but I guess this will be a fresh start. I used to jot down events in my life during my younger days but i already quit due to space deficiency (hehe...no more space in my cabinet were I can safely hide them from my parents and other siblings!) But i found so much disadvantages for not listing important (1) events & names, ( because i became so forgetful nowadays-- eww, do you think I'm suffering from memory loss? lol ) (2) plans (because i became so disorganized. I want to do alot of things but i can't start anything.  I kept on saying to myself that there's so much to do but there's so little time! I guess this can help me be more organized and updated on every accomplishment that i've made for the day and help me contemplate on other things to do..hmm..hope so! And i hope that idleness will be removed from my system!)  (3) my frustrations & angsts in life...  ( coz i'm already suffering from quarterlife crisis! With the stress that i'm instantaneously experiencing nowadays...i just need an outlet to vent out all those fucking spices of life or else i might end up in the mental asylum...haha, just kidding! I’m sure that won't happen because eventhough i'll go through extreme depression, my friends will always be there to the rescue) & lastly...i want this blog thing to (4) make the little star shine.

And who’s this little star I’m talking about?  Well, it’s plainly me. So little that hinders me from radiating among others. These past few days I’ve been having this dilemma regarding the blessing I’ve possessed since birth…my talent. Don’t contradict my belief, I know that it runs through my veins because I came from a family of artist. But the mere fact that there’s competition at home, competition outside home, competition everywhere makes me feel this way. And I always struggle to be the best, but sad reality, I can never be the best. There will always be someone better than me…

I have coped in school. Had fun while struggling to prove my own worth as a true artist. But now I’m here in a different world…new people surrounding me. Surrounded by people who don’t know me at all. People who makes me secured & people who makes me feel so insecure. People who believes in me. People who doesn't.

But this question runs through my mind: Where & how am I suppose to start?

I just wanted to be the lady that I used to be. A lady with simple joys. Laugh even at the corniest joke. Keep other people’s work of art. Because everything to me has value. Everything matters. And I am just a lady who simply loves doing things, giving labors of love for others and seeing their smiles. Although the last thing that I want to do is to talk about myself.

It’s not that I never talk about myself, I do. But I love talking about shallow things about me. All those kikay stuffs. My love life. And perhaps they find me so shallow. I just don’t know. But I am a deep person. A very deep person.

I hate bragging about the stuffs I’ve done in the past. So ironic because I’m always shy to tell about my past achievements. Because I love to work in silence. And that’s why I am left unnoticed. Just like a star without a glow.

But I want the little star to shine….

Since then, I really have this great fascination on art. Anything about art. Any form of art. I may not know everything, I may not be familiar with all the artists or styles but i'm very open for appreciation. Anything the eyes can see. Anything the mind can perceive. Anything my hand can transform. Anything i can hear. Anything beautiful. Anything ordinary. Anything dull. Anything colorful..... but i guess, with my incessant enumeration... i deliberately mean, everything.

Next to visual art is my passion for writing. Essays & poems are my favorite. It’s been quite a while since i've been lost for words. I've been afraid to speak up and say things because I'm afraid those words will be taken against me but i guess this is the time to release the words that i'm longing to say. Because those words will somehow lessen my anxieties…

i've missed writing so much...the very reason why i have written a very long introduction. It's already 12 midnight and i still want to share the happenings since last saturday (Sept. 4, 2004) up to this day.

Sept 4 - after work is my post birthday treat to some of my tsako friends (myann, jenny, kaye & boopy). It’s often jenny’s birthday that we’re almost complete. I brought the caricatures of tsako, just sketches...well, i just want to know how i'll improve the drawings. Or if they agree with my drawings or not. I also know that kaye & boopy waited long hours before we came. (sorry guys!) At the grocery store, a kid for about 5 or 6 years of age suddenly pulled my skirt up. Thank God I was wearing shorts. Such a surprising experience! Anyway, Maianne cooked the pasta and i really appreciated the effort. It was really good! We ordered pizza and stayed up very late just to watch the f4 concert in Jakarta & Hongkong. I just loved it. Well I'm a self-confessed meteor garden-f4 fan but i just don't have the energy to sing & dance with them. But i noticed that boopy did not enjoyed it. (hehe-she's not a fanatic! she's an erish fanatic-- wushu hehe)... afterwards, my very energetic friends still watched Ella Enchanted. It was a fun story but i just listened to it (eyes closed) , and answered their question on what will happen next. I know they understand me, I’m the only one who worked 8 long hours this day.

Sept 5 - Myann, Kaye & Jen were still awake past 3 in the morning. Oww, i am also still awake at that time. I just can't open my eyes but i can still hear their giggles. Then we stayed til noon at kaye's house just to watch Gothika ( before i was so afraid to watch this movie but this is really good, with the twist and turn of the story, i bet you'll gonna like this-- very suspense ) After lunch, we watched Anacondas (The Hunt For the Blood Orchid)... the film was ok. But honestly, i would really love to watch The Notebook but it was Jen's request so we watched it with her. How I dreaded the foul smell inside the movie house (SM North Edsa). And the floor, eww!  So sticky!.... i It was really kadiri! Just after it we went home. Still, myann was asking me if i wanted to wear her jacket. Hehe, how protective of her! Reason: I was wearing a mini skirt, sleeveless top & high-heels sandals. Hehe. Feeling sexy! Haha.

Sad to say, since we were all tired, we weren't able to hear mass.

Another sad part of this weekend, i wasn't able to see my baby... he has sore-eyes! Wehehe. I don't want to be infected by that virus. It's okay not to see him.

But overall emotion...i enjoyed hanging out with some of my high school barkada. My friends for life. Wushu. Drama again!

Sept 6 - Went to work late. I arrived 23 minutes late in the office and went home 1 hour and 30 minutes earlier in the afternoon. Reason: I wasn't really feeling well. I have tonsilitis and sinusitis. I wasn't able to eat during lunch so my stomach also ached. Darn! Such a bad monday for me!

Sept 7 - I didn't go to work today. My mom accompanied me for check up. As usual, i have to take those shitty medicines again. I already hate drinkinking medicine. But i just have to... You know, or else i won't be able to go to work again...

Wanix called me...she thought i was just too lazy to go to work but i said this one's for real.

Well, i held my pencil and made some changes with the caricatures and after an hour i went to bed because i got sleepy.

I also greeted Heidi d.r. coz today is her birthday! That pretty girl, oh how i miss her.

At around 8, Wanix, Kat & I had a short chat in the internet. I miss Kat... She's one of those pips in the office that you'd love to hang around with. Joan & I we're so sad when she finally decided to resign. We'll that's life. Some people go but will always leave footprints behind.................

By the way, it’s my 8^th month in the office. I am still contemplating whether I’d try applying to other companies or not. Everybody tells me that I should stay until December.

Such a bad start of the day. I’m late again! It’s my 3^rd time this month and it’s just Sept 8. Just when I’m about to punch my card, the time changed into 8:11. Whew! With this, I remember the value of 1 second.

I’d like to share one poem that’s really one of my favorite from the book:

 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey

Value of Time and Putting First Things First

To realize the value of one year

Ask a student who failed his or her AP exams.

To realize the value of one month

Ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one day

Ask a daily wage laborer who has six kids to feed.

To realize the value of one hour

Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute

Ask the person who missed their train.

To realize the value of one second

Ask the person who survived the accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond.

Ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Enough of that, today I was able to receive a keychain from helene, her dearest katet asked her to give it to me. So funny because katet said that I look like the doll. And I find it cute. Everytime I look at it, I can’t help but put a smile on my face. Ohh, I’d also try to write more about this two cute couple some other time….

By the way, I made a 2d image of the keychain. Isn’t it too kikay? 

10 reasons why I consider myself a drama queen today:

1)   Sometimes I feel I am taken for granted by the person I truly    value so much, my other half.

(2)   It has been three weeks since I haven’t seen my other  half personally

(3)   I am longing for my other half’s presence

(4)   I spent my whole day thinking about my other half and there he was so busy playing badminton

(5)   I called my other half several times but he didn’t answer the phone

(6)   It was only when I texted my other half (that probably he had forgotten that he still have a girlfriend) that he realized he was supposed to call me

(7)   I wasn’t able to release my anger with my other half when he already called ( I was like a tamed pussycat, acting as if everything’s going fine)

(8)   I turned my phone off because I’m still pissed with my other half

(9)   My other half was so insensitive for not realizing that I want him to visit me because I am sick and tired of phone calls and petty chats on the internet

(10) I cried til I fell asleep

   I don’t feel like going to work today. After that stressful sheding of tears last night, I woke up with very heavy & bulgy red eyes. My mom asked me if I cried but I said that I wasn't able to sleep last night. Of course I lied because I don’t want further interrogation.

   But no matter how hard I tried to hide it, I am still unbelievably obvious. Moms really have this certain instinct.

   So just like the usual scene when I’m having a bad day, my mom’s the one being affected by my sudden blow. The next moment, I find her losing her patience over me. I can’t blame her. I know it’s my fault and sometimes I feel so guilty. My mom’s so concerned about me but I often give her a headache. Yesterday I wasn’t able to release the tension with my boyfriend because I don’t want to fight with him so the tendency... I pass it on to my dearest mother. Poor mom for having a daughter like me.

   Sometimes I want to say sorry but it has become so natural to us, that after an argument with each other… it’s as if nothing happened.

   I spent my day watching cartoons just to lift up my mood. I have also given full attention to this movie that was really inspiring: The Postman (Kevin Costner). I learned that nothing is really impossible if you believe. You should not lose hope and you should strive to attain your goals no matter how difficult.NO matter how many trials you encounter.

   Just like me, Juaning (my officemate) was not also in the mood to go to work. We have this long talk over the phone about our past relationships. She also suggested several ways on how i can keep myself busy today so i won't find myself thinking about my boyfriend all the time.

After a few minutes of reminiscing, my baby arrived. I smiled and kissed him. No signs of recollection. With my ex, twas just a retrospect. The one who just arrived is my present...and...my future. The time i spent with him today was short but worth remembering. yihee. kilig!    

I sounded like a wrecked tape recorder after I watched the movie “The Notebook”.( Directed by Nick Cassavetes. Novel by Nicholas Sparks ) I kept reacting and retelling the story for the nth time. hehe. Irrevocably mushy indeed.

After work, Helene and I pushed through with the plan. (we were supposed to watch it last Saturday). We watched it at Sm Centerpoint so we won’t have a hard time on going home. It was really quite relaxing and inspiring.

I am not really used to the idea of meeting textmates or chatmates. Number 1 reason: it’s scary. Number 2 reason: it’s scary. Number 3 reason: it’s scary! Haha. Such a coward lil’ star. ( How will I ever shine with this kind of attitude? Hmmp!) I actually don’t entertain them, but for my friend, Helene, I didn’t hesitate to do it for the first time. It was really awkward meeting Rapunzel alias Razel and  her friend, Joy. But it turned out well because both of them were really nice. Really nice because I didn’t spend a single peso. (kuripot!)

But before we met those two ladies (hmm..Razel’s just half…getz?) We almost got lost coz I wasn’t that familiar to that delta area. And to think I live here in Manila. Ironic isn’t it? We couldn’t find the place where we are supposed to meet her text “friends” but thank God one of our officemate was sitting in front of us.

So what happened before we met Helene’s friends? Some baring of soul.

We just spent 2 hours chitchatting about our past experiences. Past? Err, did I just say past? Meaning 2004 minus1981. Obviously, I’m still skeptical about my age. Coz, it hurts to repeat it over and over. Sighh… I’m not that young anymore…

We talked 'til she finally realized that I wasn’t as outgoing as she imagined. It’s not that she found out that I’m a boring person. She found out that I wasn’t able to experince so many things during my younger years.

Helene can’t actually believed it. Why? Probably because I’m not the shy type or everyday for me is a rampa day or maybe because I have 200+ list of friends in my friendster account. Friends for me wasn’t a problem eversince. The only problem was…I can’t always hang out with them or revel til the dawn breaks. 

She wanted to know why I am experiencing boredom with my life despite my happy disposition. Yep, I have a good family+ a boyfriend who’s very loyal to me + friends + work. It should be equivalent to happy little star. But I am not…something is still lacking. And that’s what I wanted to know up to now….

I wasn’t actually deprived of having fun. I had fun. But  the sad part is,I didn’t learn it the right way.(Labo! Is there such thing as learning it the right way?) I was not used to the idea of leaving the comfort zone. I was always afraid to go beyond my limits or seize any given opportunities. Afraid to experience new adventures.  I grew up that way, and you can’t blame me...

I was raised in a family where rules should be followed. Rules I should follow until I reach the age where i can live on my own. Always hearing “Don’t do that or wag ka na pumunta dyan bka kasi may mangyari pa sa’yo…”

Eh ano bang mangyayari skin? Wala nman nakakaalam kasi hindi nyo ko pinapayagan.

And I am the only rose among the thorns so I guess, I was overprotected. Overpampered. Now at my age, I am still dependent with them. Don’t know what life is all about if I’m living on my own. No buts, no ifs. Just follow.

On the contrary, I didn’t regret for having this kind of life because I wouldn’t be here, in this state, if I wasn’t sheltered that way…

…but sometimes I would want to know the feeling of being free as a bird. How does it feel to live on my own? To pamper my own self? Would I still be like this?

Perhaps I am just bored…

Err…enough!  I would still have my own time…Patience...where are you? I need you now….

Here I go again with my Monday sickness. Alright, gotta admit it, I don’t have dysmenorrhea..(That’s what I reasoned out in the office.) I just want to stay at home. I just want to face my computer and do my own thing. Not the work I was assigned to do.

So I spent the whole day figuring about this html thing. It’s really testing my sanity. Those vague configuration really confuses me. But I just love what I’m doing. I love torturing myself. That’s what I love about myself. I may be lazy at times but  I am very enthusiastic. I don’t stop until I learn what I really wanted to.

This is my new goal: ”careerin ang blogsite”. Someday I dream of authoring my own website. A website for my portfolio. Practice lang, kakayanin ko ‘to! That’s the fighting spirit little star! ;-)

I’m not alone noh! Marami kaming nanganagareer nito. Isa na c Kaye..Isa pa si Bern. Marami kmi.

Beware: This blog outbreak is really contagious. *wink *

I went to work and smiled when I saw this Peanut Kisses from Rio. I can’t help myself but feel envious. She went to Cebu and I don’t know if I’ll ever be given the chance. I wish… I wish…hephep…I should stop wishing wala nman kasi akong nakikitang star. Ay naku. I just hope I’m as privileged as Rio or whoever had the opportunity to reach the beautiful scenic spots in our country.

I suddenly realized that I was counting the places in the Philippines where I was able to visit. There are 7,100 islands, so far, the place I’ve been didn’t even reached to 20. There’s still a lot of sites to visit. Poor me.

Imagine, I even bought this coffeetable book about Mindanao during the bookfair? 

I felt so excited upon chatting with Tin thru text. Yep. She’s back in the Philippines but just for a while. And who’s Tin? She’s one of my college peers. We actually didn’t came from the same circle of friends (she certainly had her own reasons for loathing me during her vulnerable days)…hmmm? What is it all about kaya? Secret. Everybody knows it in our class. How I should have loathed her before for trying to be close to me despite her underlying motives but I didn't. I was totally clueless from the very start. (that's why it's called underlying motives!) Though I don't consider it anymore because all that matters to me now is how we eventually became friends. But I really can’t forget her testimonial to me in the friendster because she referred to me as the “subject of her wrath and asperity” at that time. I just can’t help but smile. I was glad that she realized that I’m a nice and candid person. So that was it. We became good friends...Now, we'replanning to meet up. I hope we would be able to settle our busy schedules. I remember, I didn’t go to her dispidida because It was kinda late and I didn’t have the energy to party with them . Honestly, I regretted it but I can still cope with my past mistakes. ‘Ayt?

I want to see Tin, as well as my other classmates. I miss them all…. I miss old times